Today is the day before Halloween; my second favorite holiday. Christmas still wins. Last year I didn’t really enjoy it. 4 months was not enough time to figure out how to be a mom go back to work and prepare for a holiday while managing chores and eating. We had a fun creative family outfit and we visited some friends making the best of the awful weather but this year everything has changed.

I do not know what I am doing but I have found more of my rhythm. We have outfits that we’ve tested out for once already: the kids have seen some animatronic stuff to help prep for any spookier houses.

So today: is a good day. And. And I have a funeral to attend after work. And I do feel foolish for being so hard on myself last year. And I have a heavy feeling in my chest. Knowing that I would’ve seen him this Saturday night. If only he were here for us to finally visit AND I can’t now. It’s too late. Nothing would be different other than I would have kept my word: of course I’ll bring the babies by the visit. I drove past his house when I went to my parents so many times. I told myself I would be intruding: that not planning and spontaneously dropping in wasn’t good enough. I lied to myself. It would have been. This isn’t about me. I feel like such an ass even feeling sorry for myself for not keeping my word. I’m sure he would not be angry if he was here he’d say “I understand”. I hope you are watching from heaven. I’m so sorry. Thank you for the reminder of how precious life is.

Praying for you.

Praying for me.

Praying for us all.