My whole life has changed so much. Work used to be the center of my life. Even if I said it wasn’t the most important thing to me; almost all my time and attention went into preparing for: driving to: being at work. Then covid hit; and I only had one job. Then I had twins and have only returned part time.

They are the center of my life now. My job is still important and I am grateful for it. But I don’t carry it with me on the ways I used to. It will always be a part of me. I went into my career for a reason and a purpose albeit a selfish one. I wanted to understand myself better but it was because I wanted to help people like me. There had to be a better way; and it took me putting that into practice in order to get where I am now.

There have been lots of speed bumps I have been humbled by my own arrogance, impulsive decision making, denial of reality, my own selfishness, narcissism, and ego ego ego. Here I am though humbled.

Life is so freaking weird. If I wrote a book on my life: people would think I’m exaggerating: they would also judge the living FF out of me so I know better than to do this.

Taylor Swift did say “everyone’s has skeletons in the attic” I don’t know why I have felt the need to share mine with others. As if I needed their forgiveness? As if I wasn’t exposing myself for the sake of saying: Ummmm yep I get I have a role/ part in this and it’s not all mine. I refuse to pick up others parts. I refuse to take responsibility for their choices the same way they don’t want responsibility because of mine. But that’s the difference I’m not calling you out on yours. I’m handling mine and you haven’t done a damn thing other than say you aren’t responsible: because of me. How sad.

It’s weird to be this version of myself. I don’t understand her fully and I’m learning more and more each day: by practicing the skills and being true to myself. By giving up the pleasing and the trying to control a never ending narrative of bull shit.

None of its relevant. What is happening is I have a work/life balance that is manageable. My kids are growing into totally cool unique humans. They are curious kind loving, whiney angry little monsters sometimes. But none of it lasts the good or the bad. So I try to just focus: to slow my rotation on my axis and stretch out these moments in the universe. Squeeze every moment to the last drop.

Also my babies really sleep really great: since 9 months: I know I can always catch up on whatever when they go to bed: and they do. I wish I hadn’t woken up at their typical 6 am however: it’s 7:33 and now that I am done writing this I just want my babies to be up so I can hold them!!!

Motherhood is such a curious thing.