When someone die there is this unspoken rule to drop past grievances. You will often hear people say; “let it go they’re dead”. Pointing out the barriers to racial acceptance. Because you can’t work things out with a dead person. But what people fail to notice is you can’t work things out with a person that doesn’t want to work things out with you.

You can’t work things out with someone committed to a past version of you. When find myself being judged for a past version of myself I no longer defend who I am today. I just nod and accept this person has not been active in my life for a really long time. They are committed to a past version of myself and being around them will either leave me pleading to be seen and understood or worse relapsing into those BPD behaviors out of frustration from trying to convince them of who I am.

As you see it’s a double bind that I have no interest in participating in. I have tried over and over to have a different outcome but inevitably one of these two things happen.

So instead I choose to love me today. I choose to grieve who I needed to be to survive shitty situations. I grieve the awful things I have done in my past when I didn’t really think I’d survive.

Statically speaking: I’m supposed to be dead. But I’m not.