Chloe needed to go outside. How that light sound of little soggy nails scratching on wood floors wakes me from the dead idk. It’s warm outside and wet you can feel it in the air and the grass is damp and long. Tomorrow it needs to get chopped down but for tonight it thrives.

Chloe is not totally blind but she doesn’t se much or well at 14 years and 4 months; she is the oldest doggy I ever had. She has accidents in the house almost daily now, but that’s just an inconvenience: and we are cleaning/ doing laundry on the daily anyways.

Chloe is one of my first ‘babies’ my middle doggo and currently my only doggo. She is sweet dopey and sleepy. She has been for the past 10 years at least. I’m sad I can’t recall exactly when it was but she dropped her puppy play and welcomed retired life early on. She often chose to rest behind the couch. Our first line of defense from the front door. She would sleep under the bed sometimes. She had her moments of cuddling and affection but always on her terms. Now it’s always under the bed and almost always in the other room. She has her days though. She walks right up to them babes. She lays next to their play pen. She sits on my feet. She romps into the house like a spring chicken again.

Making the choice to put down a dog absolutely sucks. Euthanasia is actually kinder than condemning the suffering to endless suffering in my opinion, but as someone who had experienced that as a child with our family dog. A decision my mom had to make. Bless her for that. To my first love Ellie with her heart disease congestive heart failure, that cough that made me think she was going to have a heart attack, that could cause her to throw up. I am sorry for the detail but: fun fact: in the book I’m reading while it will impact you to read the details momentarily; it isn’t likely to have lasting effects unless you know me- or are experiencing a similar event. And even then; minimal. For me however it is healing to talk about and no one reads this anyway. So onward……….

So then we come to Rupert. I had no choice with him. God took him from me and the only thing k can say is thank you to the veterinarian who helped me understand mitral valve degeneration & that there was no saving my love Rupert. That at best had I somehow made it somewhere immediately they would have done surgery to find there was nothing they could do and it would have cost me a fortune. He passed away on my lap and wrapped in my daughters blanket while o drove parenting to Shawn Mendes “When you’re gone” which is so fitting and by the way makes me cry now every single time I’m hearing it and often while driving. Exposure therapy yay! Prolonged Exposure therapy!

I always said Rupert would have been a great only dog but he never got the chance. So now we have his big sister Chloe and what do I do?

Personally I would rather not have a say. Let God do as he will; but not if she’s suffering. Right now she’s leaking like a poorly trained puppy and I’ve been there. She seems happy, content, comfortable. So for now we wait. I will not let her go just because it’s a little difficult: however if she begins suffering that is when we will make the hardest choice. I pray it doesn’t come to that. I am not ready to get another dog; but I’m not ready to not have a dog. I have had a dog for the past 17 years of my life and being without that scratchy sound on the wood floor boards….. just the thought makes me sad.

5:20 am if I hurry I might be able to get another 30 minutes of shut eye and a visit in my dreams.

*book mentioned is Hive Mind by Sarah Rose Cavanagh PhD