I made a vow that I would try to post at least one thing a month. Idk if I have met that: but I know I haven’t yet for August; so let’s do this.

My life is in chaos and the stillest it’s ever been. I’m not entirely sure what’s happening; but in the most loving way possible; I don’t care.

Will I have more babies? I don’t know, probably not. I think about it way more often than I would like still but it’s a lot less disruptive. Now it’s more……a yeah that would be cool. And it’s also a gosh I feel kind of old so honestly if I never go through that part again. Ok.

I don’t realize how shallow I still am. I broke down in tears talking to a friend about how my body could never look the way I want it to without surgery. And yes: this is a fact not a pity thing. At my age, after losing and gaining weight for years: and then the super stretch of twin pregnancy has given me an apron belly with squiggly tiger lines that will never go away and the bottoms of my arms sag: that skin that will turn crepe papery soft some day.

That’s life though. I can work out: tone: ice, but unless I have skin removed. The body of my dreams is literally out of reach.

I cried so hard and it kind of caught me off guard. I didn’t realize after all this time how vain I still am. Thinking about it today though, 24 hours have passed and I think maybe I just realized that’s actually kind of freeing.

I can not hit that ideal image and beauty standard. Also for me to use a shot to help; whichever one I could get. Well that would actually make it worse. Losing weight quickly would be the absolute enemy of my already flabby saggy eewey gooey doughy skin. I make it sound really appealing don’t I? Haha

But I weigh less than I did when I got pregnant. My body looks so different. Numbers are really stupid. I had people tell me that the number I weighed in a scale made it ok for them to tease me, to mistreat me, to hurt me.

I believed that horse shit.

Ugh ewww I am so sorry little honey that you listened to anyyyyy of that. It’s so weird to know better and still not feel it. I get it now. I see it now. I feel it now.

So as icky as I make this tummy tumm sound. I kinda love it. I am kind of super proud of it. Someday I might even get brave enough to post it. As if anyone reads this anyway right? And that’s the point after all isn’t it. This is for me: because the Holding On Mom Experience really is something and even if it’s only for me to look back on later and say; yea actually I did do that.

Here it is.